I'm Seeing the TV Glow
When this image first appeared, I broke down.
I had already been in tears for the first 30 mins, but when director Jane Shoenbrun (they/them) flashed this scene, it stabbed me right in the heart. I cried from sheer happiness. I cried for Owen. And I panicked too. Because while it lingered, I didn't really believe what I saw. I feared that I had imagined it. I was begging for the shot to come back again.
I have never cried so hard in a movie. The actual shot lingered for five whole seconds--that's almost an eternity in film language, and yet it felt like an instant.
I just couldn't stop crying.
Later, when Owen says, "I even got a family of my own. I love them more than anything." I could not believe the sheer horror of that scene. For myself, it was like being handed a death sentence knowing I had to come out to my partner. That I managed to do it (compared to Owen) speaks volumes, not about me nor any amount of courage, but how gentle my partner had made our relationship. How much she saved me. There is a reality out there where I would've laughed it off to preserve the status quo. I would tell my partner, 'that was just a joke, I just wanted to see how you would react'. But I think, if I didn't do it then, I would've done it now. Life was--and remains--too painful. I don't know what else to say other than I know the alternative, and to write out that particular ending for myself would necessitate a different content warning.
So when Owen screamed in that godforsaken scene, it brought back every anguish I held pre-transition.
SOMEONE HELP ME, I'M DYING.
I know. I felt that every single day for years upon years that passed like seconds.
I just never knew that I could've done something about it.
I never knew I had a choice.